Reflections on the past year

this is somewhat of a journal entry

It has been a year since I left Australia and moved to San Francisco, California. When I arrived here, I was at a crossroads of sorts after having experienced the parts of academia that we don't put on our CVs. Let's just say that I was very angry for a long time, but also kinda in awe of myself for not putting up with actions meant to intimidate and control other people. There is a line, and I know where it is, finally. Once a feisty kid, always a feisty kid, but no one hurts the people in my life. That includes me, too.

One year later, I am in a good place, trying to treat myself and the people in my life with understanding and compassion. The strength is there, dormant under the gentleness. Grateful I took that anger and directed it to build a world, rather than destroy another. Grateful to the people in my life who reminded me who I am. Grateful to the story of tomorrow, and to these San Francisco hills that teach me patience and wisdom through my walks.

Recently, I had a health scare. In truth, the past year was strange when it came to my health. No one tells you the storm comes once you're on the shore. Promised myself that if it's nothing serious, I'll live my life differently. A test later, I got the all clear. Now I am exercising and cooking, and not checking my work messages during the weekend. Well, not as much, hopefully not at all soon. I do walk quite a bit, thinking about projects and ideas. A different kind of work. Saying no a lot more now, moving slower, catching the reflection of my future selves.

Five years ago, I knew exactly where and who I wanted to be, but not anymore. Fluid states of being, but for some reason, I can breathe again. Made some choices when I was younger, but as time passes, I wonder if they were worth it. Careers are great, but they can only feed you so much. Instead, I find myself thinking deeply about the people in my life, and wanting time with them. Being together with my family, whom I miss beyond words. Somehow, I also feel this pull towards finding my way back to my oldest love, these starry skies, that were there before this race took over.

With my career, I wanna do my work well day by day and build something special, surrounded by wonderful teams. Walking together with integrity and creativity, disrupting the possible one step at a time. Most importantly, I absolutely from my heart adore working with my junior colleagues – they are the light of my academic life, and it's why I am still doing this. They are brilliant, serious superstars. Wish they knew that too. Wish they saw themselves in the light this millennial sees them. I don't wanna let them down, and I feel I have to some extent. But I wanna get stronger, clearer in my intentions, and be there in a real presence kind of way. And I have big dreams about our future, and may my actions speaker louder than my words as we walk towards them.

Maybe you'll also like these ten lessons I've learnt over the past year, they're the result of lots of steps and ocean watching on the sunny, sometimes on the rainy days.

1. Always learn. There's something to learn in everyone and everything.
2. With the great compassion and understanding, look at the stories of your life. See which ones you hold to be true, the ones ending and the ones ready to begin. It's a great act of courage to change your mind or go for a funky story.
3. Discipline – moral, physical and emotional – is a friend. Good to invest in the things that get you out on a blue day.
4. Boundaries, may they be gentle or strong, are also a friend. Use them wisely with yourself and other people. Good to remember that on the other side of your words and your actions, there's a human being with wounds of their own.
5. Ask other people what is it they truly need or want now and then. We're historically bad at prediction, especially if it's regarding something so beautifully complex and majestic as a person.
6. Have fun and let loose now and then. So what if it's embarrassing? You were a supernova once, you can take this.
7. Remember to breathe.
8. You can't control life. Life is also other people. Honour the dignity and autonomy of other people.
9. Do the things that scare you.
10. Above all, cherish the people in your life. Cherish their goodness and their gift of being in your life. Find time to be with them.

Lots of "I"s in this piece, and that's okay. I wanna take some space, it's about time. To end, the first year was all about re-assembly. For the next one, time to go to the Moon and beyond.